EYE OPENER for me

WARNING...

this post will be long, so if you do not want to read it I understand. This one is mainly for my solace.




Okay, I have just had a huge eye opener for me at 1:00 am as I am talking with my sweet husband. Now that the tears have been shed and I still feel I could weep some more I am writing this post. I have spoken with the wise man upstairs and shared with him my thoughts and feel calm (not complete peace) that I need to write this for me.

I have come to realize that my self esteem is based on what others think of me and what is in my bank account. If others think that I am a good person then I am a good person, but if one person thinks bad or ill of me I turn to the dirt of the earth ready to be stepped on. You may think this sad I know, for I myself think that it is pretty pathetic that I have to rely on what other people think to feel good about myself.

All this came about when a sister said something the provoked me thinking about another sister. Then when I explained it to my dear, sweet husband I get emotional. It came to the point that I feel if I go and be a 'bad' person then maybe my family will actually welcome me home. Hey, all my sisters did 'bad' things (and some still do) and they are welcomed with open arms. But me... I have tried to be good (I screw up many times still), and I am the one that is shunned and looked upon as the person that still needs to do more to be better. Maybe if I go and be 'bad' like my sisters maybe then I will be accepted in my family and loved.

Only when I am on my death bed has anyone said anything really good. Maybe I need to stay on the 'death bed' to have the love I crave so much. I yearn for the acceptance to know that I am 'okay' and will be welcomed home with open arms. On the spiritual side...

I then start to question myself with the Lord. I ask him if he still loves me even though I keep screwing up with faith, hope, charity, and all else. I know that He cares for me and I see Him there, but I see such sadness in his eyes that says, "I just don't get it". I know my Father is there and loves me, but the self esteem is still low knowing I have disappointed him again with what I have said, thought, felt and did.

My loving husband tells me that he still has hope for me. He says, 'can't you have some hope with me...' That I need to rely on what he tells me until I don't need to anymore, but it is so hard to believe. He has hope that I will see the great self esteem, but all I see is me wishing I was better and hoping people will not see the real me waiting for them to let me know I am a good person to build that self esteem because they think I am good.

All this because a sister thinks that we should help another sister in her later years to take care of her. I am sorry, but I do not feel I should take care of this sister in her later years. Not financially or living here that's for sure. I don't trust this person and right now I can't see that changing real soon. My husband asked me tonight if I lost all hope for this particular sister. I had to really think about that for a moment and I realize that I have not lost ALL hope for this person but pretty darn close. He says I need to focus on that part, and he is right, but I am still hurt and angry for getting burned so bad in the past.

I know, I know, I am to forgive and forget. Or I am to forgive 70 times 7. I am even to turn the other cheek. But I have also been told something like -- 'burn me once, my bad, burn me twice shame on you, but a third time don't let it happen'. I forget exactly how the phrase goes but it is close enough. I have been burned to many times and it all started when I was very young, especially because I was so naive and trusted everything. So the rivers are running deep and it is hard to trust and have big hope. My big hopes before have come crashing down, I guess I am just waiting for the next crash to come. I know it will -- it always has.

My mind hurts from all the turmoil it is in. I hear the people arguing in my head trying to explain things to me visually. Much like what we see in the cartoons then they are trying to figure things out. I watch and wonder if it will ever be resolved...

I am calming down more and am finally getting tired. There are no real answers for me. I struggle daily to keep sane and know I have a purpose. I am still learning what that purpose is and who I really am.

I am starting to type poorly and not make sense. Guess I have calmed down enough to sleep. Maybe this is why I wrote this...

Good night/good morning